Ageism, Autism, culture, Disability, multiple life, queer, trans, Youth Right

Child right to mental health and ageism

TW: child abuse, gaslighting.

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I could be diagnosed with DID/OSDD many years ago, when I was 10-12 years old. When I started to tell my Mum that I heard Ukki’s (one of our alter’s) voice in my head.

Before Ukki became scared that my parents could abuse and “exorcise” us and I was shattered from my System.

I could be diagnosed with Autism when I was… I dunno, 4 or 5? When everyone told my parents how weird I was, and when I started realizing that I’m one weird out. Well, when literally everyone started to say it to me.

But, like my Dad said when I started to realize that I’m Autistic (before my diagnosis from a doctor) that “In the church they will pour holy water on you and would be right”.

And I could live as a trans* person on my life, if my parents..

Well, you already get it.

I hate when people thinks that “children are so reckless, adults know better”. Because I was the one who tried to figured out what’s going on, why I’m not like “normal” people, how I could made my life easier and better.

My parents was the one who used to gaslighting me.

They done the same with my brother, completely ignoring his obvious speech delay in early childhood.

And it’s not just my parents. It’s… so many parents all around the world.

My wife tell me about a girl with cerebral palsy, who’s mother refused to take her to the doctors unless she insisted on it herself and be really persistent.

My friend Nai Damato told me in her interview that they became blind because their parents and teachers ignored their problems with vision. And they also ignored Nai’s chronic pain problems, because “kids don’t have chronic pain”

So ageism system made healthy kids ill, made kids problems with health more server, and force neurodivergent kids live without acceptance and accommodation (and made even mental healthy neurodivergent guys seriously ill).

Kids need the right to go to doctors and ask medical help. Ageism in medical issues is a

clear violation of a Human right to health.

(Link to part 2 my interview with Nai:

https://youtu.be/PqQNq65RI8U)

#did #osddsystem #osdd1b #ageism #mentalhealth #childabuse #didproblems

Autism, Disability, England, multiple life, refugee

Autistic, Multiple, Asylum seeker

So, we are asylum seekers in the UK. This is the third country when we are asylum seekers (after Russia and Israel). What we find out as Autistic, Queer and Multiple?

1. People who work in the Home Office with refugees are nice But Russian-language translators are bigots just like most post-USSR people. We made a huge mistake when we asked for an interpreter in an airport. They are homophobic.

2. In special hostels for asylum seekers (where you would live the first month) you are safe. Really safe. And you could have good free food. And left the hostel for the day you like. But these hostels are not disability friendly at all. Especially not Autistic friendly. You would have sensory overloads in the dining room. And you are lucky if you could take your food because there’s no clear instructions, you need just to copy other people’s behavior.

3. Your plans would be changed. Many times. At first they didn’t tell you where you would live and how long. And where they would bring you to a new place. And where you would have your main interview. Autistic guys, be ready. It would be hard.

4. We were waiting for main interviews for two years! Someone waiting just months. Like I said, no clear rules.

5. About help:

✅We have our own temporary flat, 75£ in a week for two people, free meds, and it’s really easy here to get antidepressants. And the NHS is amazing. And also we could save some money for stuff we like and get some food from a food bank.

❌There is no clear rules! You need to improvise to go to the GP or to ask for a voucher for the food bank. It’s just impossible for some autistic folks. And all papers that Home Office or your house company send to you in an extremely difficult language. Poor guys who don’t know English well. And poor all dyslexic guys!

And it’s zero ACC (if you don’t have an official diagnosis) access policy, dunno why.

And you need to stay in a really long line for any NHS diagnosis or mental help.

6. They know nothing about DID/OSDD1 in the Home Office. Near 1-3% of population are Multiple, so please, someone, teach #homeoffice employees what Multiplicity is.

-Ayman

(Our protector Lil made a video about all this and more: https://youtu.be/ZxWq6ANS6K8)

Activism, Ageism, Autism, Islam, multiple life, Parents, queer, refugee, trans

One year since family estrangement

TW: family abuse and so many “ism” like racism and homophobia…

It was a year and one day since I stopped communicating with our biological Mum.
It was a year and one day since I decided: “this is enough, I refuse to be a subhuman in my own family… and if this family would always behave like I’m a sub-human, I don’t need a family like this”.
You could believe me, that if you would have a political criminal charge against you, you wouldn’t want my Mum near you.
If you are a Muslim, or if you don’t believe that White Atheist or Cristian are better then POC Muslim, you wouldn’t want my Mum be near you.

When I was accused in terrorism because of neo-nazi politician, she let me down. Again.
She wasn’t in my side.
Again.
She tried to prevent me from communication with my little brother, the only family member that I really like. Again.
And she was othering me shortly after her ordinary bullshit about Grate Family Value.
Again.

After that was a month of morning. Mostly for my brother because he is too little to keep touch with me himself.
And deep analysis of all the stuff that my Mum done to me previously. From beating to justifications of a more strongly physical violence from my Dad. From “ungrateful little piece of shit” like she called me to “ugly monkey” like she deliberately called my Black friend’s or president Obama just because she knew that racism is triggering to me. She said it: “I just so like to tease you”. When I have a strong OCD and was thinking to kill myself.
From «no one wants to be near you! If someone wants they just use you!” to “oh, I’m so bad mother”… after all this “bad mother” I became sorry for her and tried to make peace first.
The truth is – she was the one who was using me. All these years. With all her constant manipulations. All the time.

I tried to stop communication with her many years ago, after my coming out as a queer. Or, sorry after “God couldn’t create such a broken person”. Why does she need a “broken” “daughter” anyway?! But she literally broke into my girlfriend’s apartment without warning.
And she used the only “weapon” that she has against me. She used my little brother.

Because “he needs me”, and “I give birth to him just for you, because of you, he is yours”. But not now. Not ever again. I hope my brother will survive. I hope he will find me one day. I hope he will understand.
Anyway, he is in Russia, I’m in the UK, I don’t have custody.
So… It was a year. And the decision to estrange my Mum was literally one of the best desicision in my life. Before that I couldn’t even realize how she still influenced my actions even when I was living in UK. Now I’m free. I only have a nightmares about her.
But not all in our System free. Ver.B.A. still love her. Ver.B.A. still believed that she deserves all abuse, that she is broken, and she blames us from stopping communication with our parents. She wants us to suffer just to feel that they love her, love us. Because it’s the only kind of love that she knows, and she wanted to be loved.
I couldn’t fully understand her.
But I know that she has introjects of our parents in her sub-System and that she lived in constant pressure. I know that she wants to see “real Mum”. I could feel it. I was crying today, I couldn’t read, I couldn’t make home-stuff, I couldn’t even realize who was fronting. Because Ver.B.A. was in pain.
And sometimes I get really angry at Ver.B.A., after all she is a persecutor, and sometimes her mental problems seem unbearable.
But I am so angry at our parents for all that they did to her, to us!
I’m thinking that Ver.B.A., one of the strongest alters in our System, would be deeply mentally disabled because of them.


And I just don’t know what to do. How to fix it. And WHY I should fix it, why me, not Mum, not Dad? Why do parents so love to make their kids responsible if they are screwed up?

– Ayman

https://youtu.be/9ukk0u-z45s

Also watch our new video about what other guys in the System feels about family estrangement.

Activism, Ageism, Autism, Disability, multiple life, Parents, Russia, trans, Youth Right

Meet the alters. Part 4. Liza

(Liza with our Moana’s toys in front of the tree)

Ayman helps me to write this, but not because I have problems with typing and writing like my tween brother Mowgli, but because I just so scared to write or say something wrong. Ayman encouraged me to speak so some of my answers could looks too long.

Name: Elizabeth. But you could call me Liza or Lizzie or Beth.

Age: 4

Religion: Christian

Neurotype: Autistic. I don’t consider Autism as a disorder.

But I also have anxiety and I consider it as a disorder. Sometimes it’s also difficult for me to control the body and I literally couldn’t make myself speak. But it’s much better when you could write or type! Inclusion is important stuff, you know.

Role in the System: Well, I don’t like when someone speaks about my “role” or “purpose”. It’s sounds like I’m a kettle or a phone or other “useful” thing, but not a person. I so afraid that I have to be useful just to deserve the right to live, the right to exist. I’m so afraid that people would tried to silent us or kill us if we couldn’t still “useful” for them. So I’m scared of all this “role” stuff.

But I’m a child in a System. A Little. I like when someone call me “a Little”. But I don’t like to be called a “trauma holder”. Because it’s sounds like my whole existence determined by our trauma. And I so hope that it’s not who I am, it’s not who we are, that we are something bigger that our traumas and our past. This is why I so likes Disney movies even if sometimes they are too scary for me: in many of this movies you could live Happily Ever After even if you doesn’t have a perfect past or even if you are a weird one out.

Tell us your personal story: I think I was born as an alter because Ayman’s biological parents wanted to have a “proper daughter”. I remember how Ayman were thinking “ok, I would call myself a girl, I would say that I’m “she” not “he” just to be safe”. And after that Ayman and Mowgli were splitted. And soon after that I was born. Because Ayman couldn’t be a “good girl”. I could be good. I could be a girl. I could dream about to became a mother or a wife. I could associate myself with other women and girls and tried to find a brave a clever girl on TV (it was important for me to see that girls could be brave and clever because I, like a girl, noticed and hate gender stereotypes).

But I couldn’t be brave myself. I was so scared of… Well, everything. I could watch Bambi and The Land Before Times and cry every time when main character’s mothers died. Every single time. Sometimes I even run away from the room because this moments was too scary for me to bear.

I was scared of any family conflict. I was scared of bullying in the kindergarden.

I was scared of a new books or films because it could be sad or scary moments. I was scared of any changes.

So I couldn’t be a really “good girl”. Despite that I was a girl and tried to be good. Because our biological parents hate me to be such a coward. They specially forced me to watch scary films or cartoons. They used to laugh about my fears so many times. And I was so scared that they could hurt us because of me or that they could be disappointed in me. I used to believe that it’s my fault that I everyone hates us and that we are bulled. My parents used to said: “if you see that someone weak, you started to help them at first. But after that you want to hart them. It’s how the world working”

Now I see that it’s not the world, it’s them! It’s how they working. But in my early years I belived them. After all, what I could know about the life? Everyone used to said that I’m so different and not-normal. So I was thinking that it’s just not-normal not to want to hart someone who is weak. To feel pity for them. To want to protect them.

I was thinking that the world is more cruel that it’s really is, and I’m just a statistic mistake because I’m less cruel. That not been cruel and been disabled in the same times mean to be weak. And that because of it I would always be bulled.

I was too scary to doubt these ideas. Because I felt so vulnerable and so wanted to have a proper family. And I was thinking that if our parents are not right it’s mean that… ok, I was too scary to think what it’s mean.

Tell us how your life changed: Well… I finely find a proper family when I find out that I’m the part of the System!

But I still want to see people outside who accept us and like us.

Tell us what you like: I like a nice family stories with happy ending. Like in Jacqueline Wilson’s book or in some Astrid Lindgren’s book. Or like in Hollywood movies like The Parent Trap.

Especially I love when kids in this stores portraits as a real people with a real feeling and problems. And when family is un-perfect but everything ending fine.

I like Disney cartoons despite many times it’s too scary and I need someone from the head to watch it with me and helps me not to be so triggered. I especially like Moana, Beaty and the Beast and Frozen. Especially Frozen. I so like Elsa! I was pushed by my parents to “be a good girl”, don’t feel and conceal who I am. And I was locked in my room – inside our head – for many years because our parents make us think that it’s not safe for me and for other to let me be outside.

I like dolls. And Disney toys. And toy cats and another toy animals.

And crayoning. Crayoning helps me to calm down.

And I like real animals – actually I like animals more then people.

I like to be tween. I like to have siblings in the system.

I like Lil, our protector.

I like to participate in activists project and safe other kids and systems from the mistake I make our parents make. I like helping others to accept themselves because I have a big problem with acceptance.

I like to write my book. I’m writing the fictional book about a Multiple girl from the Care. She lived in UK and was in many abuseive family. She was adopted by some kind women from Sheffield and now have a good life and family and friends but she so afraid to tell the world about her alters because it was dangerous in the past to be open. This is a book about her. And about another member in her system.

This is the book I wanted to read many years ago.

I write it in English because I feel more safe to communicate in English, not in Russian.

I hope I could finish it and publish it one day.

Autism, culture, Disability, multiple life, trans

No one is perfect…

I wasn’t fronting when that photo was made. It was one of my alter who started fronting only from that year and like always he was disoriented.

And yep, I was near him. One of my main problem as part of the system that I’m hyper-protective kind of a person. I’m afraid to letting other alters front all by themselves.

I doesn’t loss time often but when I lose it I started to panic.

Recently @linaeckford suggested that maybe I started to feel extremely sleepy and pass out in difficult times because I doesn’t let anyone else fronting when I’m not coping.

One of the main fear when I discovered that I’m part of the system – it’s loosing control of my body and my life. No, it was the only fear. I still afraid of losing control. But not only because I want to have more time in my life.

Sometimes I felt ashamed when one of my alters making something better then me.

Now I’m thinking that the problem is partly social.

If only there were more information about DID, I could started system communication much early. And system communication is essential for such stuff. You couldn’t trust guys (aka other alters) if you doesn’t know them well. And it’s took some times and “spoons” to make communication better.

I’m a privileged to have a partner who believe me and support me. Fortunately, I have no idea what it’s mean to be a “new” system when no one believes you.

The other problem that I’m a perfectionist who most of the times live in co-front with other perfectionists. The roots is social too. I’ve always were a minority. Autistic, trans*, partly Jew in childhood. + Mentally ill in adolescences. +Refugee and Muslim in adult years. All I know “you have to be better than anyone just to be like everyone else”. This is what my Dad used to tell me. This is what almost ruined my life. Because ableists/nazis/other bigots would never accept your differences even if you became The Most Clever Autistic in the world. Bigots hates when minority became empowered anyway. And I couldn’t- literary couldn’t- be better than anyone else. I’m just a person. It’s impossible to be always “better” even in one small thing. For example in fronting.

#did #didsystem #autism #osdd #actuallyautistic

(Image description: young person in black jacket sitting on the bed)

Autism

Just for the record:

– Autistic people could have depression.

– Autistic people could have obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)

-Autistic people could be part of multiple system (have OSDD/DID conditions)

-Autistic people could have PTSD or c-PTSD.

– Autistic people can have social phobia.

– Autistic people actually can have a different phobias.

-Autistic people can have anxiety.

– Autistic people can have schizophrenia or be schizotypal.

– Autistic people can be ADHD people.

BUT depression, OCD, phobias, anxiety, schizophrenia, personal disorders, DID, OSDD, PTSD and ADHD are not autism “symptoms”. Not at all!
Of course Autistic people with that conditions deserves understanding. They deserves equal rights. They deserves help. They deserves to be part of Autistic community.
Only they have several diagnosis, not just Autism.

These are many autistic people WITHOUT these conditions, and many non-autistic people with these conditions.

Period.

Autism

You know, If you are brainwashing your autistic child, saying that they are “sick,” and “pathetic” or that you “punished by God ‘cause you have them” because they are Autistic… surprise! You are an awful parent.

Even if you are Autistic too.
Even if you “love your child.”
Even if you believe in some “smart children with autism”.

You are an awful parent ‘cause you intentionally harm your child’s self-esteem. You convince them that their way of thinking is wrong and that their personality is defective.
Well, it’s cool if they can bear it and not commit suicide. And it’s a really-really cool if your child, when they grows up, will hate only you because of your ableism, and wouldn’t hate yourself because of internalized ableism. If you kid would be lucky he could survive such “parenting” without serious mental problems.

But not all autistic people are so lucky. And parents like you often kill or at least break their children.

So you are incredibly awful and dangerous parent! And there is no excuse for your behavior!

P.S. BTW Nothing can justify ANY brainwashing – it doesn’t matter whether you brainwash your child with religion, nationalism or the “importance of higher education”. Your child is a person and have right for their own beliefs.
#autism #neurodiversity #parenting #autismacceptance #autismfamily

Ageism, Autism, Disability, Jew, Russia, Youth Right

Ones upon a time, in Russian the train…

When I was a teen I used to babbled about Rothschild family.

You know, they were my special interests.

So one day I was seating in the train that going from Moscow to Ivanovo and talking nonstop about Rothschilds with my grandpa.

The old lady, (she was sitting in front of me) Interrupted me.

– Oh, what a smart cutty little girl! – she said,- probably you are an excellent student?

You know, she used that sweeeet nasty voice that adults usually use when they talk to babies? But the baby – I mean, me – was a TEEN!

And after that she did something even more disgusting.

– You know, – she said to me. – These Rothschilds are Jews. So they control all governments. In general, Jews are to blame for all the problems of the world. Jews are parasites.

I was really exhausted. I had a strong sensory overload. Only Rothschilds babbling could help me.

But when this women said that “Jew are parasites” I started yelling at her. It was something like:

– How your dare, how your dare, how you dare! My dad is half-Jewish! No, I’m JEWISH! I’m Jewish!

And after that…

The lady looked at me like I had turned into a monster. She just ran away at the other end of the train, far away from us.

And then I had a real meltdown.

I was crying. I was stimming. I was screaming. Screaming some absurd phrases…. something about NLP… something about adults who were using me, manipulating me all the time.

– Just get away from me! All of you!

I hardly understood what was flying out of my mouth after I had a meltdown.

I was so scared!

I was so scared that I was a “parasite” for most Russian people, and I hated myself for not being able to change public opinion. Hated myself for the fact that I’m not such powerful like my favorite Rothschilds!

And I blamed myself for my “excessive emotionality.”

– She just has hysteria! She is a psycho!

That was said by this woman who considered me a parasite.

– Behave yourself! You are really like a psiycho.

And that was said by my own grandmother.

Even my grandpa — my best friend — began to blame me for my meltdown.

And I blamed myself too. Many, many months after this case.

But now I don’t blame myself.

I’m just angry. I get angry whenever I remember this incident. I am still angry after all these years.

It wasn’t the only one incident when strangers called me a “parasite” because I’m Jewish. Just the first.

But this particular case made me thinking about how often ableism, ageism and anti-semitism (and racism) can be inseparable.

Activism, Autism, Без рубрики, England, Jew, LGBT+, queer, Russia

My first pride

Yesterday, I was at the LGBT pride for the first time in my life.
It was the LGBT pride in the city of York. And you know what?
Recently, it has become customary to criticize the «non-political nature» and «commercialization» of LGBT-prides. But I do not agree with this criticism!
It was the first time in my life when I really saw the world without homophobia and transphobia. I have been suffering from homophobia and transphobia all my life and now I can see how people celebrate LGBT identity and LGBT+ diversity.
I saw ordinary citizens who greeted us from the sidewalks and from the balconies of their homes. They held rainbow flags! They were waiting for us. They were glad to celebrate our identity. Some of the parents there were with small children. Do you know that in Russia these parents would be arrested? You don’t know it, yep? So, in Russia, children have practically no opportunity to grow in LGBT-friendly society. Continue reading “My first pride”