(Liza with our Moana’s toys in front of the tree)
Ayman helps me to write this, but not because I have problems with typing and writing like my tween brother Mowgli, but because I just so scared to write or say something wrong. Ayman encouraged me to speak so some of my answers could looks too long.
Name: Elizabeth. But you could call me Liza or Lizzie or Beth.
Neurotype: Autistic. I don’t consider Autism as a disorder.
But I also have anxiety and I consider it as a disorder. Sometimes it’s also difficult for me to control the body and I literally couldn’t make myself speak. But it’s much better when you could write or type! Inclusion is important stuff, you know.
Role in the System: Well, I don’t like when someone speaks about my “role” or “purpose”. It’s sounds like I’m a kettle or a phone or other “useful” thing, but not a person. I so afraid that I have to be useful just to deserve the right to live, the right to exist. I’m so afraid that people would tried to silent us or kill us if we couldn’t still “useful” for them. So I’m scared of all this “role” stuff.
But I’m a child in a System. A Little. I like when someone call me “a Little”. But I don’t like to be called a “trauma holder”. Because it’s sounds like my whole existence determined by our trauma. And I so hope that it’s not who I am, it’s not who we are, that we are something bigger that our traumas and our past. This is why I so likes Disney movies even if sometimes they are too scary for me: in many of this movies you could live Happily Ever After even if you doesn’t have a perfect past or even if you are a weird one out.
Tell us your personal story: I think I was born as an alter because Ayman’s biological parents wanted to have a “proper daughter”. I remember how Ayman were thinking “ok, I would call myself a girl, I would say that I’m “she” not “he” just to be safe”. And after that Ayman and Mowgli were splitted. And soon after that I was born. Because Ayman couldn’t be a “good girl”. I could be good. I could be a girl. I could dream about to became a mother or a wife. I could associate myself with other women and girls and tried to find a brave a clever girl on TV (it was important for me to see that girls could be brave and clever because I, like a girl, noticed and hate gender stereotypes).
But I couldn’t be brave myself. I was so scared of… Well, everything. I could watch Bambi and The Land Before Times and cry every time when main character’s mothers died. Every single time. Sometimes I even run away from the room because this moments was too scary for me to bear.
I was scared of any family conflict. I was scared of bullying in the kindergarden.
I was scared of a new books or films because it could be sad or scary moments. I was scared of any changes.
So I couldn’t be a really “good girl”. Despite that I was a girl and tried to be good. Because our biological parents hate me to be such a coward. They specially forced me to watch scary films or cartoons. They used to laugh about my fears so many times. And I was so scared that they could hurt us because of me or that they could be disappointed in me. I used to believe that it’s my fault that I everyone hates us and that we are bulled. My parents used to said: “if you see that someone weak, you started to help them at first. But after that you want to hart them. It’s how the world working”
Now I see that it’s not the world, it’s them! It’s how they working. But in my early years I belived them. After all, what I could know about the life? Everyone used to said that I’m so different and not-normal. So I was thinking that it’s just not-normal not to want to hart someone who is weak. To feel pity for them. To want to protect them.
I was thinking that the world is more cruel that it’s really is, and I’m just a statistic mistake because I’m less cruel. That not been cruel and been disabled in the same times mean to be weak. And that because of it I would always be bulled.
I was too scary to doubt these ideas. Because I felt so vulnerable and so wanted to have a proper family. And I was thinking that if our parents are not right it’s mean that… ok, I was too scary to think what it’s mean.
Tell us how your life changed: Well… I finely find a proper family when I find out that I’m the part of the System!
But I still want to see people outside who accept us and like us.
Tell us what you like: I like a nice family stories with happy ending. Like in Jacqueline Wilson’s book or in some Astrid Lindgren’s book. Or like in Hollywood movies like The Parent Trap.
Especially I love when kids in this stores portraits as a real people with a real feeling and problems. And when family is un-perfect but everything ending fine.
I like Disney cartoons despite many times it’s too scary and I need someone from the head to watch it with me and helps me not to be so triggered. I especially like Moana, Beaty and the Beast and Frozen. Especially Frozen. I so like Elsa! I was pushed by my parents to “be a good girl”, don’t feel and conceal who I am. And I was locked in my room – inside our head – for many years because our parents make us think that it’s not safe for me and for other to let me be outside.
I like dolls. And Disney toys. And toy cats and another toy animals.
And crayoning. Crayoning helps me to calm down.
And I like real animals – actually I like animals more then people.
I like to be tween. I like to have siblings in the system.
I like Lil, our protector.
I like to participate in activists project and safe other kids and systems from the mistake I make our parents make. I like helping others to accept themselves because I have a big problem with acceptance.
I like to write my book. I’m writing the fictional book about a Multiple girl from the Care. She lived in UK and was in many abuseive family. She was adopted by some kind women from Sheffield and now have a good life and family and friends but she so afraid to tell the world about her alters because it was dangerous in the past to be open. This is a book about her. And about another member in her system.
This is the book I wanted to read many years ago.
I write it in English because I feel more safe to communicate in English, not in Russian.
I hope I could finish it and publish it one day.